I don't know what is going on in my head at the moment, but I am soon going ot crash and burn.

I cried myself to sleep last night, that was after I was sick where I got myself so completely worked up.  I shook from head to toe, I couldn't talk,  I was choking on my tears in the end I nearly hyperventilated.

I can't explain why I was thinking the way I was thinking, apart from the fact that I am heading for a nervous breakdown, so the slightest little thing knocks me off balance, and being advised to get rid didn't have the right effect.  Just made me think that there was a alteria motive, which I have been assured there isn't.

No one understands what I am going through, no one knows where I have been, I have suffered for love in the wrong hands for so long, that I don't know what real love is, at least I didn't until I met my baby, and now I am so scared that I don't know what is going to happen.

This is a love that doesn't come with abuse and degredation, a black eye or a fat lip. There are no words of hate or digust when he touches me, no beatings for my trouble.  This is a love I am learning to understand, and that there is truth to it.   Being I am 32 and this is the only time in 22 years that I have ever been loved for the right reasons, can you see why I am so screwed up?

Probably not, because you haven't been in my shoes, and I know there are others out there far worse off then I am, but I don't cope with certain things so well.

Today's is my mum's birthday, so happy birthday mum

I am feeling pretty much ok, and I am good about stuff.

I was talking to my bf about being broody, and he told me to get on the nest, and I said that I couldn't cos I had no one and I think that I may have hurt his feelings which I never meant to do, I only said that I didn't have anyone, cos I didn't want him to feel pressured in to having to be the one to father my sprogs.

I love him dearly, and I want him to give me the one thing that I am scared I can't have.

I Love You my little darling and you will see this, and I just want you to know I am sorry for being a wally when I said that, but you know why.

I don't have anything to worry about, I have now been able to speak to my boyfriend, and everything is ok.

He was just feeling a little off, and is sorry for making me worry like I did.

I don't know what to say really, because I am just relevied that I was worrying over nothing, even though it was real rough on me, to think that he didn't love me anymore, but he told me never to think that, ever.

I love him so much

Thursday 3rd June 2004

Didn't think things could get worse after yesterday, but they did.

I was snapped at last night and told that He'd better not speak to me because he was in a bad mood, and today he completely shunned me.  As far as I know, I haven't done anything wrong, but he's not talking to me and it is tearing me apart.  Especially when I am being told that he is talking to others.  So it has to be me, right?

All I have ever done is love him with all my heart and soul, and I have been completely open with him, maybe that is where I went wrong.  He told me only days ago, that he misses me, and that he has such feelings for me that it's driving him nuts, my heart melted and I have never felt so loved as I did them, so what happened?  What did I do in those few hours after we were last together, I don't understand.

I love him so much he is my little darling, I just hate thinking of him being so upset and not being able to do anything about it.  I hope my friend is right and he will be ok again real soon, I am not doing to well with people being upset with me at the moment.  It's looking like I will be thrown out soon, not that anyone cares right now, they have their own shit to deal with. 

Babe if you see this you know I love you, so please tell me what's going on.  I can't believe you mean for me to be hurting like this.